Saintly self denial

Sydney Walk
January 15th 1853


Boo!

I understand that you are not well enough to have visitors at the moment. Indeed I should hate to bring the dangers of the outdoors to your bedside at such a time. But I simply cannot contain myself any longer and decided that the contents of this letter would not be so shocking if delivered in writing, not in person. Please make sure that you are sitting down for the rest of this letter, if you are not already, and promise me you will not alarm Little Bradstone by crying out in amazement when you hear my news.

Boo - Mrs Doughty is not, nor has she ever been, married!

What do you make of that?

I had tea with her yesterday afternoon and after a long discussion about how I might fill your shoes at the Press while you are otherwise occupied, I asked her outright. Emboldened by the situation, I enquired about the whereabouts of Mr Doughty. I said I had always wondered where she kept him and thought he must be a remarkable man to allow her such freedom and power in the London business world. This is what she said,

"My dear, any man would need to be truly remarkable to call himself my husband. I have never met one worthy of the title and am not likely to. I use the title of a married woman to deter any approach of a romantic nature from the male of our species."

I was so shocked a little bit of cake fell from my mouth.

"But then do you live alone, Mrs Doughty? You seem too full of life not to share it with a husband. I know I could not endure these long days in London without knowing I had Mr Hatherwick to talk to at night."

" Effie," she said to me "The prospect of having to explain myself to Mr Hatherwick every night is too awful to contemplate." Before more cake could spill onto my skirts, she added "Oh, I do not mean your husband above all others, my dear. Please do not think that. I simply cannot regard any man highly enough to confide my hopes and dreams in him. Now, I must take my leave of you. I have a meeting of the London hospital board to attend."

As she stood up to go, I ventured another question,

"Mrs Doughty, you have so much generosity in your soul. Have you never thought of children?"

She turned back to face me and stifled a little twitch of her mouth, I am sure.

"When I think of children, Effie, they are never my own. I have never imagined myself giving birth to or suckling an infant conceived from the sort of liaison necessary to produce one."

When she saw my still open mouth she softened slightly and said, "I am the sort of woman who is able help many people with my work. That is enough maternity for me, more than enough. I shall no doubt be seeing you again soon at the Press, but for now, farewell." Then she swept out!

Did you know this before, Boo? Why did you not say, if you did? If you were as unaware as I, then I hope I have not caused you undue shock. But goodness me, what a revelation! Mrs Doughty has turned her back on marriage and motherhood all so she can help others in greater need. She is truly deserving of a sainthood, nothing less.

Do write back with yr thoughts, Boo. We are in the presence of greatness!

Yrs

Effx

Nursey wife too

Sydney Walk January 5th 1853

It is bread poultice time again in the Hatherwick household. I am growing weary of Josiah's 'Winter affliction'. He speaks of it in terms which he hopes will make the listener think the gout has been visited upon him, and is not the inevitable consequence of his seasonal excess. I should be pleased that he enjoyed such a convivial time with Papa, I suppose. He does love Papa and there are many wives who could not say the same about their husbands, so I shall content myself with that and pay no heed to his waspishness when the pain shoots through him. Bless him.

I told him of Boo's expected arrival and fancied I saw a cloud pass across his face. I recall that he was less than pleased for her when LB was imminent and he was similarly distant on hearing this news - I do believe he feels my emptiness and wishes me not to be saddened by Boo's burgeoning family when all I have is him. He is remarkably perceptive, my husband, and his reserve can only be borne of concern for my wishes in that direction. That, or the poultice had stiffened and reminded him of his own discomfort.

I have decided to send word to Mrs Doughty and ask her to meet me to discuss our plans for Boo's confinement. As I think of it, I should love to know more about her own domestic affairs. Perhaps a slice or two of cake will loosen her tongue enough for me to ask whether she has anyone to massage her ankles in the Winter.

Birth order

Sydney Walk
January 3rd 1853


Boo is with child again! She sent me the briefest of notes explaining why she had seen so little of me lately. It seems she has been taken quite ill with this child and has been in fear of losing it before its time. Poor, silly thing , she was scared to tell me until the baby was properly established in case I was upset for her. I think she means that I would be upset for myself - I who am in want of such happy news - and she is right, in part. Of course I do not begrudge her a brother or sister for LB. I would not be able to call myself a friend if I did. But I should so love to hold my own child and push it round the park and bathe its knees and sing to it.

Boo asked me to tell Josiah that, God willing, the child will be born in the Spring. Quite why he should care about that I am not sure, but she was anxious for him to know. Perhaps she wishes to prepare him for my wanting to stay in London after we were due to return to Blindingham. I shall be required to do more work for the Press during Boo's confinement. She is a clever old thing, really. When Josiah knows that she will be at her bed, he will not insist that I go home.

Oh, I wish I had Boo's cunning - I envy her that, as well as her nursery.

A quiet Christmas

Sydney Walk
December 20th 1852

This Winter is proving to be much duller than last. I have hardly seen any of my friends and there have been almost no parties, at least not that I have been made aware of. I told Josiah that it must be because we are in rooms people do not wish to visit, but that made him a little cross so I changed the subject. I know he tried his hardest when he comes up to town to choose where we stay for the season, so he must have felt that in speaking ill of his choice I was also speaking ill of him. What a booby I am to have complained so when I am in truth a very lucky woman.

So, I have decided to do away with any hope of hosting a party here and I shall instead make our own family Christmas as cosy as it can be. For dinner this year there will be me, Josiah and poor Papa, who is still a little vague after the assault he suffered in this neighbourhood. He has accepted my invitation to stay for a day or so, but has insisted that he be accompanied from his front door to ours, and back again when he leaves. I said Villiers would be only too pleased to escort him, but he has made his own arrangements it seems. It is as well that he has, for I have resolved to give Villiers some time off to thank him for his solicitous service of late. He, too, has been more solitary than he would like and I think it my duty as a caring employer to allow him his head whilst in London.

Josiah softened somewhat when I apologised for my ingratitude and was almost excited by the prospect of a long evening over brandy and cigars with Papa. He has a proposition to put to him, I am sure of it. I shall keep out of such discussions, since I know Papa is not impressed by Josiah's business ventures. If only I could tell them both that I, little Effie, am the most successful business brain in the family!

I shall ask the cook to prepare some special treats for Dauncey to eat and have found a delightful neck collar for him to wear. I cannot wait to see his little face when I present it to him. Which puts me in mind of the gift I must find for Josiah - I am quite worn out with trying to find something to please him. He is not a man who likes frippery or adornment - except upon his fortunate wife, of course - and he already has a perfectly adequate watch. I am not inspired to think of anything else!

The gift of love

Sydney Walk
December 19th 1852



Today, I received an early seasonal gift from Dauncey! He raced into my dressing room as if his whole life depended on reaching me as soon as possible. It really is a most heartening habit of his to make me feel so important and I only wish Josiah might greet me with the same urgency some days. Dauncey made a triumphant little mewing sound and hurled a mouse at my feet. Had I not been able to see at once that it was dead, I should have screamed like Villiers when he assists Josiah at the Hunt. But the blood, tiny entrails and lack of a complete head reassured me that it was not about to run up my skirts at any time. Dauncey sat back, clearly awaiting my thanks and praise.

I remembered looking forward to the sugar mice Mama always brought me when she came back from being away. She was a society lady who was often invited to country house weekends and was a popular face at many a ball. She would show me how much she had missed me whilst on her travels by placing a tiny pink mouse in my hand and kissing me daintily on my head. Oh, those mice were so sweet! How much they spoke of Mama's love for me! And now Dauncey was offering me the same token of esteem. I laughed at him and begged his forgiveness for not eating the mouse immediately tail first, as I used to do to amuse Mama.